I made a monumental decision yesterday.

Its been such a long time since I have been flat with depression. I have been really good at keeping this thing in check. But yesterday I crashed. I think it was actually the explosion that’s been building since Friday that happened yesterday, but, whatever it was, it was devastating. I cried so many tears, and was totally unable to quell the depression thats been harbouring in my heart for a while. I was totally exhausted from another night of sleepless baby. I had huge rings under my eyes that even my industrial strength makeup wasn’t going to hide.

I am lonely, I am struggling to make ends meet in an economy that is not playing the game with anyone, I am battling to stay ahead of everything at work, and I am sick of the expense of living in the ass end of nowhere and having to drive 2000km’s every month to make the living I need to make. Its feels as though I have absolutely no way out of it, with DC semi-settling at her school in the valley where I live. I also have a nanny I can trust and she can’t travel out of the valley, so I am stuck.

I told my mother yesterday: “I am just dealing with a lot of hurt and the depression that was always going to happen post-NH. It just took longer than anyone expected to hit me. And now its hitting harder than I ever thought it would.”

After almost 3 years of dealing with my Manic Depressive Bipolar Disorder without any medication at all, I am going back to the Doc and getting back on the meds. I have realised that this is a disease, and there is no cure. I will sit with it for the rest of my life, and to self-manage it takes a HUGE amount of energy that I need to spend elsewhere. It’s not something I can sustain on a long term basis.

This decision has been so hard for me to make because I percieve going back on the meds as an indication that I am not in control, and that I can’t keep a handle on this monster that lives in me. But two truly beautiful friends, who I will treasure forever, made me realise yesterday that it’s ok. That I have more important things in my life that need me to be healthy and happy and that the only person who has the power to allow me to be happy is me. And that fighting this disease everday, without the help of the wonders of modern medicine, is crippling my ability to perform my duties as mother and daughter and employee and friend.

So I am going to take the advice of my friends, and put me first. Because if I am happy and stable, the rest will follow. My kids will be happier, my mom will be less inclined to freak out at me, my productivity at work will improve, and I will be able to be there for my friends. And God knows I owe them that. They have been there for me countless times, and its time for some Karmic payback.

Going back on the medication is a battle in itself. But this time I will get it right. Its a complicated and tedious process of weaning on, testing and tweaking. Making sure that the Doc and I find the right combination and balance of meds. The thing with this disease is it’s unique from one person to the next, so prescribing one treatment with a “blanket” philosophy doesn’t work. It takes a lot of involvement from the individual and the medical fraternity to get it just right. It’s a long, uphill journey but the rewards of living a semi-”normal” life far outweigh the struggles of getting there.

RA, thank you. Thank you for the practility and the kind words and for just being there. I know we haven’t known each other long, but I LOVE YOU! You’re one in a million!

NN, you’re such a special person. I am constantly blown away by the amazing strength and awesome heart you have hidden away in that tiny little body of yours! I am truly blesssed to have met you.

I spoke to a number of people yesterday about how I was feeling and these two, who have known me the shortest time, were able to help me come to the realisation that I need to see my Doc and get help. Maybe it was because they are new friends that they can look at it objectively… Maybe its because our bond is so special that they intuitively understand… I don’t know what it is, but I am eternally greatful to both of you. Thank you.

Right let me go and make the appointment to see the Doc and start this process.

C
xxx