I have been procrastinating about writing this post since I started this blog. Partly because I have been trying to figure out exactly how it is I feel and how to put that into words, but mostly because writing it and publishing it means having to acknowledge it and I am not sure that I want to.

There is a person in my life who completes me. We met about 3 or 4 years ago on one of the most beautiful beaches in Cape Town, surrounded by 100’s of people who share our passion to play with fire. So there we were, drawn together by some kind of strange pull. I was with NH at the time and so I never entertained the thought of anything more than a friendship, but I couldn’t deny that this man was meant to be a part of my life somehow. Now, I have to just say, that I have NEVER developed a friendship with anyone that I have met in some random place. All my friends have come into my life through friends or school or work or college. So this in itself indicates some kind of special link here.

Slowly this friendship grew into something so special and dear to me that I cannot imagine my life without him in it. I have even on occasion been told he is my soul-mate and that we will be part of each others lives until we are old and grey. We complete each others sentences, and we have this weird affliction we like to call our “spider-senses”. I shall call him SpideyDude in this blog for that very reason. We don’t speak to each other for months on end and then, out of the blue, he will call me to ask what’s wrong… Normally these calls coincide with some or other major drama in my life, or even when I am feeling a little blue. We have the kind of compatibility with each other that results in being able to just be ourselves around each other and to let it all hang out, figuratively speaking. We have seen each other at our respective bests, and worsts, and we still love each other. He takes any new man in my life aside, and tells him in no uncertain terms, that he is my friend and he isn’t going anywhere. “Like it, or leave” is his attitude! I am a very lucky girl to be able to have this kind of friendship with a man, and know that there are no expectations or requirements. As long as I am me, he loves and cares for me.

So. when recently, I “noticed” him as a physical being for the first time, I was shocked. I started to think that there could be something more, and my friends noticed the physical tension between us too. I got into a flat panic. What was happening? What was going on here? What had changed? Had anything changed? Did he feel it to? What was I going to do? I couldn’t talk to him about it because I was terrified that even uttering the words would result in some cataclysmic end to our friendship and I didn’t want that.

Was I prepared to make the move and take that monumental gamble on the best friendship I have ever had? The answer came back as a resounding “No”. But the feelings kept getting stronger and I was really confused. Until last Saturday and our outrageous evening at Cape To Cuba. Even though my body language was very positive and suggestive, he went to his own home on his own that night. I was shattered. How is it possible that I could be that unattractive?

But it wasn’t that at all. Funny how girls always jump to that conclusion first. It’s got to be me… What’s wrong with me? When all along what it was was that he cares too much for me and for our friendship to gamble on it. It was that he got his fingers very badly burnt once, and he is still hurting from it. I understand that, and I respect that. And I respect him and love him to the ends of the earth, and wouldn’t change that for all the tea in China.

I feel like the weight that I have been carrying for the past 4 weeks is gone. I am relieved that this has played itself out like it has, and that I am still blessed with the best friend a girl could ask for, EVER!

SpideyDude, I love you. Thank you for loving me.

CM

xxx